The Sound Of Your Voice
by shadoweddawn
Summary: Trapper John puts Beckett on speakerphone. Cops and Robbers insert.
1. Chapter 1

Got this wonderful idea from castlefanfics and the anon who asked if there were any fics where Beckett is on speakerphone during Cops and Robbers. I loved the idea, so thought I'd give it a shot. Thank you for taking the time to read :) it truly means the world.

AN: Andrew Marlowe and company get all the credit. Their brilliant concepts gives way to millions of stories, so I thank them. Reviews, follows, favorites, and even criticism is always welcome, always appreciate a chance to grow in my writing. Thank you again. :)

* * *

Beckett paced feverishly in the crisis negotiation van, straining to hear any sound coming from the earpiece. The line was uncomfortably silent. Had it merely been minutes since she had seen Castle, had verified that he was alive with her own eyes? It felt as if hours had passed. She clenched her hand that had so recently held his, still feeling the ghost of his fingers clutching hers.

Castle was supposed to be by her side. Not trapped in a bank. How had their day turned out like this? She waited for Trapper John to come back on the line, her mind conjuring up images of Castle at the precinct, annoying and frustrating, too many crazy theories that were (she would now admit to herself) completely adorable all at once, to keep her from falling off the deep end.

The beep in her ear drew her attention, had her focused completely on Trapper John in the blink of an eye. Time to get back to work.

"Where's my bus?"  
"The bus is on the way, it'll be there in twenty minutes."  
"The hostage'll be dead in two."

Beckett glanced at Captain Peterson, seeing the wheels turning in his mind as he worked through the possible outcomes of the bank hold up. She tried to keep her voice even as she spoke, not wanting to spook Trapper John.

"No, nobody needs to die, okay? It's coming; it's just stuck in traffic."  
"We have rules, Kate. I said I wouldn't kill anyone, you said you'd give me a bus. I lived up to my end of the deal."

The rustle of the phone caught her attention. Trapper John suddenly seemed far away, his voice loud to compensate for putting the phone on speaker. _What the hell?_ Beckett forced herself to keep her composure, focusing on the hostages in the bank. Focusing on two in particular.

"And I'm going to live up to mine, I just-"  
"I warned you not to jerk me around. Now, I was clear about the consequences, do I have to prove how serious I am, is that it?"

Beckett felt a sudden wave of panic, her eyes finding the bank even through the thick door of the hostage van. He was going to make her suffer, punish Beckett. She could picture him pointing the gun at Castle, waiting for her to crack. She wracked her brain for anything to say, needing to keep him focused on her.

"Okay I—I think we both just need to take a deep breath and we can talk about it."  
"I'm done talking."

The shot rang out, paralyzing her.

* * *

_I'll start with your boyfriend_. The words plagued Beckett as she shouted into the phone, trying to get Trapper John's attention. She could hear the shriek of horror as the gun went off throughout the bank. Beckett flinched at the sound, anger flaring in her as she thought of someone lying there dying. She refused to believe it was Castle, could not let her mind picture him dead. She thought of Alexis right outside, her harsh words for Beckett still ringing in the detective's ears.

"What was that?!"  
"A warning shot, the next one's for the kill!"

Martha's voice rang out as Trapper John approached them, sending a fresh wave of dread through Beckett. She shook with her anger and fear, silently cursing the robber for having the phone on speaker. A mother's natural terror over losing a child echoed through the van. Beckett started as she heard Martha's angry pleas to leave Castle alone.

"Don't touch him you son of a bitch!"  
"Mr. Davenport, hold her back!"

Castle's voice, a deep timbre with a hint of anger, settled over her. Even separated, her partner's steadfastness calmed Beckett's shaking nerves. Despite knowing that now Trapper John was now standing next to him with a gun, Beckett felt her control slide back into place. She would do anything to keep Castle safe, _anything._ Their unorthodox partnership had saved them repeatedly. They could get through this.

She closed her eyes, could practically hear him saying the same words he had repeated just a few short months ago.

_Take it easy. You got this. You got this. _

_Please God, don't let him die before I tell him. He has to know how I feel. Let me get him out alive._

* * *

_Kate_.

Vivid images of a life they could have had flashed in Castle's mind as the screen behind him shattered, the fragments of broken plastic and glass littering the floor around them. As he took shifted uncomfortably, Castle admitted in the deepest recesses of his mind that he was scared. He could hear the fear in Kate's voice as her panicked voice sounded louder than the screams near him.

She was scared too. Castle had seen it in her eyes as she played the paramedic, her hand holding his for just a second longer than just necessary. He could hear it now in the slight shake of her voice, despite the confidence ingrained in her. The gun shot had rattled her, had rattled them all. Still, Castle heard the familiarity of Detective Beckett as she assessed the situation over the phone.

For whatever reasons he had, Castle was grateful Trapper John had Beckett on speakerphone. He was morbidly thankful knowing one of the last things he would hear would be Kate's voice.

_I should have told her I loved her again. I should have said it every day until she accepted it._

Thoughts of what he should have done, of how their partnership could have been more, raced through his imaginative mind as Trapper John squatted in front of him. The gun pressed to Castle's throat was cold, a stark contrast from the heat in Trapper John's eyes. The crackle of the static on the phone was unnerving. Castle focused on Beckett's breathing, forced himself to breath in time with the strained breaths he could hear.

"I'm gonna make pretty red stains out of your boyfriend, Kate. I got my gun to his throat and I'm gonna paint a Jackson Pollack with his insides."

Castle could hear the muffled chatter of the hostage team in the background as Trapper John held the phone out, every hostage able to hear their explosive conversation. He focused on her voice, let her calm his terror. Beckett appeared not to have heard, pushing forward with the tenacity she had shown for four years.

"Listen to me, Jackass. I do not control traffic so you're gonna have to give me twenty minutes."  
"Now you've got one minute, Kate!"

Trapper John pressed the gun further into Castle's neck, fueled by his anger. Beckett's voice was deadly calm as she spoke again, her words a forced to be reckoned with. Castle couldn't ignore the blip of pride that raced through him as she growled, panicked fury driving Beckett's words.

"No, I have twenty. Do you hear me? Twenty. Because if you pull that trigger…I will walk through those doors and personally put a bullet through your skull."

His heart pumped furiously as Trapper John stared into his eyes, Kate's words full of scary promise if he were to hurt Castle. Kate Beckett always kept her promises. Castle stared down the man, determined not to show fear. Castle's breath of relief was forced as Trapper John pulled the gun away from his throat, saying cheerfully

"Okay, Kate, you got twenty more minutes."

Castle heard the heavy sigh Kate allowed before Trapper John disconnected the call. Waving the gun casually, Trapper John said excitedly, bringing Castle's blood to a boil as the robber discussed Beckett so light heartedly.

"Your girlfriend is a hell cat."

Castle sarcastically grinned at him, saying on a huff and suddenly very grateful for the truth.

"Yeah well, she's not my girlfriend."

His mind raced over the afternoon, looking for a way to help Beckett, to contribute despite being held hostage. Snippets of Trapper John's conversation with Beckett flashed through his mind as he looked for clues.

_I'll start with your boyfriend.  
I'm going to make pretty red stains out of your boyfriend. _

Castle's breath hitched as he realized she had never denied it, hadn't even questioned Trapper John's words. As he stood to be shuffled to the back of the bank, his mind was already thinking of seeing Kate again. He had to get out of here; he had to know that there was still a chance for them.


	2. Chapter 2

Ahhh thank you guys all so much for your time reading, and for reviewing and favoriting and basically just making my day. It truly means the world. I decided to break up the episode, because really there is so much good material in Cops and Robbers There will be another chapter after this one, hopefully it's satisfying :)

* * *

The bomb exploded, rocking Kate to the core. Too many possibilities raced through her mind as she gripped the phone tightly. She couldn't move, couldn't breathe. Thoughts of Agnes Fields and the reasons behind hostages in a bank became obsolete as Beckett forced herself to move to assess the damage of the C4 explosion.

_Rick. _

She stepped out into the chaos, eyes wide in horror as she stared at the rubble around her. The world stopped for Beckett, even as others around her shouted orders to find those alive. She was rooted to the spot; a fear Beckett had never known possible overwhelmed her, grounded her. Pictures of finding Castle dead flashed through her mind, bringing stinging tears she couldn't stop to her eyes.

"Beckett!"

Alexis' voice cut through her morbid thoughts. Unable to glance at Castle's daughter out of fear of betraying what she prayed would not be their reality, Beckett finally moved towards the building, trying to find her voice. When she could finally speak, her voice was thick with emotion she didn't bother trying to hide as she called helplessly for Castle.

Her partner.

Her friend.

Her everything.

"Oh my god. We gotta…come on!"

Pulling her gun from her holster, flashlight in hand, Beckett raced ahead of the swat team. Her lone voice echoed off the debris as she called out for her partner, her throat burning as she breathed in the heavy smoke. She looked everywhere for him, Beckett's eyes darting through the damage for any sign of Castle as she called again, her voice straining with barely restrained panic.

"Castle!"

The trained detective moved methodically, instinct dictating her every move. Lights flashed off the concrete that now surrounded the team, every eye hunting for hostages. Desperation had Beckett beseeching Castle in her mind.

_I'm here, Castle. I'm right here. Where are you? I just need to hear your voice. I just need to know you're alive. We have to figure this out together. _

"Castle!"

His name was a plea ripped from her soul, Beckett not above begging him to suddenly appear. Her feet propelled her forward almost of their own accord. She cried out again for him, desperation heavy in her voice.

"Castle!"

Her heart thudded in her ears, drowning out her harrowing thoughts. What would she tell Alexis? How would they get through this if-?

A sudden shift to her left caught her attention, stopping Beckett cold amidst the mess. Relief flooded her as Castle's voice was suddenly there, strong and steady.

"Beckett?"

Beckett spun on her toes, desperate to hear him again, make sure she wasn't dreaming. His voice healed her, brought her attention to sharp focus. She had come to rely on it, needed to hear him and have his words as if they were air to breathe.

The world righted itself as hazel eyes found blue ones through sets of steel bars. A deep sigh from her, a half smile from him. Together again. Nothing else mattered. Castle waved a few fingers, Beckett's eyes immediately falling to the zip ties that bound his hands. Was he okay?

_Thank God you're alive. _

Words she had wanted to say for years stuck in her throat as Beckett moved towards him without conscious thought. His soft chuckle of affirmation that they were all indeed alive, Beckett finally able to kneel in front of him and confirm that he was not hurt, lit her with a passion she had long kept hidden_. _

The rest of the world slipped away and it was just the two of them as she cut his zip ties carefully, reaching instinctively to touch him. She ignored the part that warned her it was too soon, too much for their still healing relationship. Beckett needed the closeness only Castle could provide, aching with need to touch him as she flatted the lapel of his jacket. She finally asked quietly, the question falling from her effortlessly

"How are you?"

She was greeted with a soft smile from the writer, a beautiful symbol that their partnership once again survived the impossible, and come out stronger for it. Beckett's smile blossomed as she took in Castle's whole appearance.

Thick hair, all but begging for her fingers to be run through it. Warm blue eyes that captivated her, practically seeing into her soul. Strong shoulders that she wanted to lean on, find comfort in. Castle looked as if he wanted to say something, his throat bobbing slightly before his lips parted. Beckett leaned towards him, wondering where his mind was. Had Castle's thoughts had been consumed with ones of her? Just as hers had been with him? She begged her heart to pump rhythmically instead of threatening to beat out of her chest as she waited for him to talk.

"He's not the only one here you know."

The moment ended much too soon, both of them jolted back to reality by Martha's voice.

Castle leaned away from her, his eyes shining with obvious disappointment. Beckett stammered as she felt the blush creep up her neck, pulling her eyes away from her partner with difficulty.

After cutting his mother free Beckett immediately moved into him. She took Castle's hand and helped him up, holding on a little longer than necessary. He squeezed once, drawing her eyes to him.

They made it. Together.


	3. Chapter 3

After their dinner, Castle and Beckett finally get to talking. In my world, they can't just ignore what happened at the bank. I love Cops and Robbers. I love the idea that it wasn't just swept under the rug. Thank you to Andrew Marlowe and company as always, for giving us these characters. I hope I do Castle and Beckett a little justice.

Thank you to everyone for reading and taking the time to review and favorite and follow. It truly means the world, and is the world's greatest motivator knowing others read and appreciate your work. Even constructive criticism is a great teacher. Thank you again.

* * *

Beckett stayed at the loft long after their dinner ended, her hand occasionally brushing his as they moved to the living room with now full glasses of wine. Dinner had been a lovely affair, the four of them basking in the joy of being reunited. Castle and Beckett had argued innocently, each listing off times they had saved the other. An adorable pout graced her lips as he claimed victory over the number of saves. His eyes had stayed on her lips for a minute longer than acceptable, Alexis clearing her throat uncomfortably finally recapturing Castle's focus.

As they sat down on the couch, Martha and Alexis having gone upstairs after bidding the pair goodnight, Castle wondered what Alexis and Kate had talked about moments ago. His daughter had pulled the detective aside, Alexis' baby blue eyes she had inherited from Castle downcast as she spoke softly. Kate had pulled the young woman into a tight embrace, whispering against her the top of her head. A simple happiness over seeing his partner and daughter accept the difficulties of the day filled Castle. As Alexis's slender arms held her father a little tighter as she told him good night, her own nightmare of a day finally over, Castle whispered a soft "thanks" in her ear for making amends with Beckett.

As the hours drew on, minutes quickly turning into hours without either of them realizing, Castle kept waiting for Beckett to announce she needed to leave, that they had an early day tomorrow. She surprised him (as she frequently did,) by tucking her feet under her body and asking for more wine, despite the late hour.

They sat quietly, both lost in their own memories of today as she sipped on the glass of red. Castle wondered what her favorite was. He was always seeking to find out more about Kate. He breathed her in, let himself get lost in her closeness. Beckett finally stammered, bringing his attention back to the present, her voice cracking slightly with emotion.

"How are you, really?"

Castle shifted uncomfortably as he thought of his answer, instinctively moving closer to her. Craving Kate's nearness, clinging to the stability only Beckett could bring to his life. Castle finally sighed heavily and admitted

"Today was hard. Knowing that Alexis could have lost both of us…"

He shuddered at the thought of leaving his daughter alone, his worry as a father inundated him. Beckett's hand found his, squeezing gently. He accepted steady silence with a grateful smile and a whispered "thanks," reaching absently for his wine glass and swirling the dark liquid around.

Unable to hold her gaze, Castle glanced down and swallowed with difficulty, words suddenly escaping him as he got lost in memories of today. Flashes of their ordeal raced through his mind, drawing a slight chuckle from Castle. She captured his attention by moving another inch closer, her hand gripping his a little tighter.

"What's so funny?"

Leaning back on the sofa, pressing his luck and turning his hand over to link their fingers together, Castle said on a breathy snigger as he finally met her eyes, the dark hazel he spent countless hours dreaming about holding his cerulean blues

"The lady cop with the bedroom voice?"

Her groan was loud, drawing a deep laugh from Castle. Beckett swatted at him before admitting bluntly, her shrug nonchalant

"It was my first time as a hostage negotiator, okay? Give me a break."  
"You didn't have to make him fall in love with you."

Beckett's look was deadly on a good day. Today, exhaustion and fear having run its course through the slightly tipsy detective, all she could manage was a good eye roll. Castle raised his eyebrows and continued smugly, his voice lifting in question

"Put a bullet in his skull? That was pretty bold."

All hint of teasing gone, Castle swallowed the tension he felt as he watched the emotions play over Beckett's features, his writer's mind paying attention to detail. Beckett's eyes were deep pools of hazel, her feelings evident without words. Castle prided himself each time Kate exposed herself a little more, let him past those walls for even a glimpse. Beckett's words from months ago flashed through his mind.

_I'm not gonna be able to have the kind of relationship that I want until that wall comes down. _

He'd wait forever for her. She had to know that.

_Please let her know that. _

Castle waited for her to talk, afraid to push her but more frightened to not know the truth. Beckett chewed thoughtfully on her bottom lip, her eyes dropping down to his lips. Becket finally spoke quietly, pushing her hair behind her ear, Castle watching her in rapture.

"I meant it, you know. I would have walked into that bank regardless of the consequences if he hurt you. When I heard the gunshot go off I thought I'd lost you, Castle."

She paused for a moment, running her free hand over her face to collect her thoughts. Castle's heart lodged somewhere in his throat at Kate's honesty, stayed quiet as he prayed she would keep talking.

"But then I heard your voice. I just…"

Beckett's voice faltered as she looked away from him, a sudden shyness appearing. Castle moved closer, resting his hand on her knee. She flinched slightly at the contact, her eyes immediately snapping to his again. Castle took a deep breath, steeling himself of the answer before he even asked the question.

"Just what, Kate?"

She reached for her wine glass, taking a generous sip. Kate toyed with the edge of her flowing white shirt before she finally admitted, a faint blush painting her skin a lovely shade of pink.

"I've been thinking all day about why he put the phone on speaker phone. And ultimately all I can come up with is he wanted to screw with us. Wanted to catch me off guard, torment the one person that would actually get through to me. I never denied it, you know. When he said you were my boyfriend? I needed the leverage to keep him calling, and he needed to know he still had power. I knew I would do whatever I had to get you out. To keep you alive."

Castle's mind raced to keep up with her words, too enamored by Beckett being completely open with him to focus on what she was actually saying. She took a deep breath as she finished, her eyes clouding slightly with a mystery Castle couldn't quite put his finger on. She seemed unable to go on, their emotional day suddenly too much to comprehend. Castle finally supplied, letting her know he was just as aware of the strange circumstances and the unanswered outcomes as she was of their afternoon.

"It calmed me, Kate. Just hearing you, knowing that you were there. We were still a team. I mean I knew you were there, would right in the thick of things because that's who you are. But it was different hearing your voice. It gave me strength, you know?"

Beckett nodded, closing the distance between them. He could smell her, the lingering hint of Kate's delicious cherry shampoo engulfing him. Kate moved her hand to his forearm, her nails pressing into the strong muscle under his skin. He welcomed her touch, found he hopelessly wished to feel Beckett flush against him and wrapped up in each other as they faced the aftermath of their ordeal. Castle swallowed hard and admitted quietly, hating the unease he heard creep into his voice

"I was…I was glad you would have been one of the last things I heard if we hadn't…"  
"Don't, Castle."

She moved into his arms, stealing his breath. Her arms were insistent around him, fingers pressing into his back. Castle sighed against her neck as she tightened her grip on him. The air cracked with electricity at their closeness, their embrace lingering far longer than necessary.

"Don't let your mind go there, Rick. You're here, we're okay."  
"Are we just going to pretend like it didn't happen? I have to know Kate. I have to know that there's more for us."

The words escaped before he could stop them, Castle's heart leaping ahead of his head. He stared at her, searching her face for any indication that he wasn't alone in his hopeful desires. The silence surrounded them, his words lingering in the space between them. He continued absent mindedly, too afraid Beckett may not be ready to stop his jumbled thoughts.

"Today just got me thinking. I could hear the fear in you, Kate. And it wasn't just because we're partners. There's more there, and we both know it. We've always been more than just partners. We never talk about it, we sweep it aside and expect it to just work out later but I can't do that anymore. Not after today. I can't imagine having lived through today and not tell you that I'm-"

Beckett stilled him with a quiet "shhh." Her lips were soft against his cheek, a simple kiss that set his blood simmering with desire. She shifted slightly to murmur, her breath whispering across the shell of his ear sending a delectable shiver through Castle.

"I wasn't scared just because we're partners, Castle."

He turned his head slightly, his blue eyes finding her deep emerald. Desire ran rampant through his body, every nerve on fire for Kate. She trailed a finger tenderly down his cheek, whispering in the millimeters between them

"You are my partner. I wouldn't be able to handle losing you; you've become too much a part of my life. But…there is more for us, Rick. There's always been more for us. I know we need to talk about it, I know there are…unresolved issues that we have to face."

He narrowed his eyes at her, seeing the truth reflected at him. The day in the cemetery, words he had said that she didn't remember. Three months of no communication. Unshakable truths of love, hurt feelings, lingering doubts. Beckett cupped his cheeks, her thumbs tracing small patterns as her green eyes shown with gathering tears.

"I just can't rush this. You deserve more than that. I need to be…me again, Castle. I can't be less than that with you. I have to give you the best of me. And it terrifies me, and excites me, and has me pushing through everything I need to work through because I know we can be amazing and-"

He pressed a finger to her lips, Beckett stumbling over her words as she trailed off. He breathes her in, the simple honesty that calmed his erratic heart. Unable to do anything else, Castle's hand found the back of her neck to draw her in. It was tentative at first, his lips barely skimming hers in a gentle kiss. Her lips molded against his, his name a whispered groan that barely escaped before she deepened the kiss.

It was sensual, slow, a molding of hearts and body. She tasted like sweet red wine and a delicious taste that was simply Kate. He could live forever off of that taste, of the feel of her in his arms. Castle surrendered to her tongue sliding along his lips, asking for permission. He opened to her, pulled her flush against him as she took control. Her hands fisted in his hair, clinging to him with an unconscious need.

Being with her was as easy as breathing, a natural remedy to be together after their often difficult days. They moved effortlessly, his hands finding purchase on her hips as she canted into him, her fingers skimming along the nape of his neck with a knowing touch.

His hand found her scar, fingers pressing the small round blemish that marked her otherwise perfect skin. She closed her eyes at his touch, her head dipping back in pleasure, perfect white teeth sinking deep into her bottom lip. Castle pulled her onto his lap as he pressed feather light kisses to the now healed wound, words failing him as he tried to show her that their past did not have to define their future.

Beckett dipped her head and captured his lips again, tugging gently on his bottom lip with her teeth and laughing slightly at the deep moan Castle couldn't contain. She was better than he remembered, their ruse from a year ago suddenly a pale memory compared to present day passion. She was fire and rain, shy and dominate. She was everything. He need this, needed _her._ He would never get enough. Their kisses left a tangible ache in Castle as he splayed his hand across her back, fingers desperately seeking any bit of skin he could find.

He need more. More time to touch, explore, and memorize every inch of Beckett. More time to breathe words of love into her mouth as he kissed her, drawing whimpering moans from Kate. More time to get her to open up, to tear down those walls she built so meticulously after her mother died.

The need for air had Beckett pulling away reluctantly. Castle didn't let her move, his lips finding her exposed throat. He finally whispered as the emotions rolled through him, moaning softly as Beckett leaned into him, shifting her weight onto his shoulder as the tension eased slightly in her posture.

"You are the best, Kate. You're extraordinary. I've known that from the moment I've met you and I'll know it until my dying day. I'll wait. For however long you need. I'm not going anywhere. Those walls won't be there forever."

She pressed her forehead against his, their harsh breathing mixing in the barely there space separating them. Beckett finally snuggled into his chest for a powerful hug, whispering softly into the soft silk of his dress shirt,

"Just so long as you'll be there when they come down."

Castle felt more than heard her heavy sigh as he nodded, Beckett's fingers roaming over his back. He shuddered at the tender kiss she pressed to his thundering pulse, feeling the smile she wore against his neck. He finally whispered the only truth he knew when it came to Kate Beckett, the only word he could give her to count on.

"Always."


	4. Chapter 4

So I'm pretty much the worst at updating :( I wish I had a better answer other than I've been busy with work and finishing setting up my house, but I alas I don't. However, work is now winding down again and I am getting all settled in my house, so hopefully I can get back to doing what I want instead of what I need. Thanks for sticking with me :)

Where we left off: Beckett and Castle are working towards a relationship after he's held hostage in the bank. They've kissed, but once she leaves do they go right back to where they were?

Thanks again for your patience and I hope I didn't lose too many of you in my absence. Thoughts and reviews are much appreciated.

* * *

It was too quiet in her apartment.

Beckett's bed was suddenly too big for just her, her fingers stretching across the empty side and wishing Castle was beside her. Kate felt the desire pool low in her abdomen even as she admitted the truth into the darkness.

"What are we going to do? I can't lose him."

Three hours apart had done nothing but fuel her desire for him, and made her question their decisions. She traced her fingers over her lips, missing the gentle press of his lips against hers. She could still feel his fingers digging into her waist, keeping her firmly against him. She rolled over in her bed, her fingers tracing where his body should be.

She'd stayed awhile longer, curled into his side, the silence between them comfortable. They spoke quietly of previous cases and of today, Castle cheekily grinning as she asked him how he'd managed to give them the Morse code signal. She's been unable to keep her hands to herself, eagerly skimming over any skin she could find as he spoke. Kate let herself get lost in his words, as she frequently had in their unconventional partnership. Kate traced the lines of his palm as he spoke of the customers in the bank, and offhanded comments to his mother.

"I get sarcastic when I'm nervous."

As the time passed midnight, and Kate slowly falling asleep on his couch, Castle finally admitted they needed to call it a night. He walked her to the door, kissing her gently again before promising coffee and a bear claw in the morning. The sleepiness she felt in the comfort his loft had completely faded away in the coldness of her apartment. Morning wouldn't come soon enough. Kate squeezed her eyes closed and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as she worked through the events of the day.

Beckett rolled over, scrubbing her hands over her face as she lost herself in the feeling of Castle. She knew yesterday would linger with them. Seeing him alive in the bank had changed her. She wanted to be more. For him. Taking the next step, admitting that there was something between them, giving into him….

She shivered with want, her body humming with desire. She sighed loudly, turning on the lamp next to her bed as she sat up. Clutching her knees to her chest, Beckett's mind raced with unspoken fear.

They weren't ready. Beckett knew they still had a long way to go. She had so much to tell him, needed him to know she remembered. She dreamed of it sometimes, his voice begging her to stay with him. She woke to his words replaying in her mind. _I love you, Kate. I love you_.

She stared at the clock, watching the minutes tick by as she wrestled with the overwhelming truths. She suddenly thought of her own voice the day before, calling out for him. Of course they were ready, she would fight through her issues _with _him.

Beckett reached for her phone, taking a deep breath as she dialed for memory. She needed to hear him again, needed to know that this wasn't a dream. She sighed as the phone rang, glancing again at the alarm clock on her nightstand. He was probably-

"Beckett?"

Castle's voice stilled her. She felt more than heard the concern in his voice, the alertness in his tone startling her. She stammered as she once again realized the time, wincing at how late it was.

"I'm sorry. I didn't…did I wake you?"  
"No, I was awake. I uh…couldn't sleep. After today…"

She wondered for a brief moment about which part of today was causing sleep to elude him. He finally supplies the answer for her, setting her heart racing.

"I keep thinking about kissing you. Being with you. Wanting you."

Kate shivered in delight as she silently begged him for more. _Say it, Kate. Give him a chance. _The separation making her bold, Kate replied honestly as she sunk further into her downy mattress.

"Me too, Castle. I can't stop thinking about it."

She pictured him in bed, rumpled hair from trying to sleep. She pursed her lips as she pictured his eyes widening in surprise, her admission catching him off guard. He was probably sprawled in the middle of the bed, flopped on his back. God she wished she wasn't just picturing it. Kate heard him take a deep breath, fear lacing his words as he admitted.

"I just don't know how we go back to before."  
"Maybe we don't."

The words tumbled from her effortlessly, the truth of not _wanting_ to go back to before knocking the breath from her. Kate was silent as she let Castle take a moment to absorb her words. She finally continued, burrowing down under the covers and wishing for his warmth. Beckett craved his steadfastness, his steadiness.

The sudden role reversal, Castle depending on her silver linings and optimism, had Kate brimming with confidence. She toyed with the edge of her comforter as she spoke, her voice loud in the quiet apartment.

"We can't just go back and pretend that this afternoon didn't happen. That you didn't get held hostage and that we didn't kiss. We did that before and…"

For the first time, Beckett faltered. She thought back to that wonderful moment, the first time he'd kissed her. She'd spent hours replaying it, each time feeling the now familiar tingling of want she had come to associate with Richard Castle. They had spent too long dancing around the subject, ignoring the truth between them.

Kate bit harshly on her bottom lip as she stayed quiet, her mind too busy thinking about all the things she wanted for them. She suddenly wanted to tell him the truth, that she remembered everything. She clamped down on the words as they threatened to spill from her, still hiding behind the safety of her walls. He finally spoke, Castle's words pricking her heart.

"I hate that we never talked about it. I hate that we never talk about anything, Kate."

Painful images of their fight before her shooting raced through her mind. The hurt she saw flicker in his gorgeous blue eyes when she told him they were over still cut through her. She finally stumbled out the truth, hating the way her voice wavered with confusion

"I just didn't want to ruin what we had."  
"What do we have, Kate? A friendship? We both know there's more than that, we proved that tonight. You aren't the type of woman who let's a guy kiss her if they are just friends. I need to know, Kate. What do we have?"

She hesitated, the deep huskiness of Castle's voice catching her off guard. His words from a year ago still lingered in her mind. _That was amazing._

The taste of him, minty and somehow chocolaty all at once, filled her senses. His broad hand cupping her neck; Beckett now traced her own fingers over where his had been so long ago, where they had been just a few hours ago. Amazing wasn't a good enough word for their first kiss. Or for everything that had happened since. Especially today, his tongue sliding between her lips to taste her. A soft moan escaped the detective, causing a chuckle on the other end of the phone. She felt the heat climb into her cheeks as Castle's deep voice settled over her.

"Kate what do we have?"  
"We have a…God, I don't know what the hell we have, Rick. A partnership, a relationship, I don't know. But I know I want to explore it. I know finding you alive in that bank meant we have a chance, and we have to take it. I know I want you."

Kate's eyes slipped closed as the truth hung in the air between the phone waves. She waited out Castle's response, her heart threatening to beat out of her chest. She pressed her fingers to the still tender scar as the silence stretched, recalling the gentle press of his lips against the puckered flesh.

"Beckett…can I come over? We both know we're not getting any sleep."

He barely got the question out before her response cut him off.

"See you in 15 minutes."


	5. Chapter 5

The pain of season 4 hurts so good. But I love the Beckett who talks. And the Castle who gets her to open up. So here we are. 15 minutes later and Castle's at Beckett's apartment.

All credit must go to Andrew Marlowe and Co, as I own nothing except the words below. As always, words can not express my gratefulness for those of you who take the time to read and review. Always appreciated, it truly means the world.

* * *

Castle rapped his knuckles against her door, shoving his free hand through his hair as he waited for her to answer the door. His heart thudded against his ribs, nerves suddenly besting him.

He spent the cab ride staring down at her name in his phone; somehow praying to get stuck in nonexistent at 3:17 in the morning, and wishing time would speed up so he could see her now. As he walked up the stairs, winding his way through her still new apartment building, Castle fought the angst rising in him. What if she had changed her mind in the short time he was in the cab? What if this was the stress of the day talking, not something she actually wanted? Things had never worked out for the two of them, life frequently throwing obstacles—

His jumbled thoughts calmed as she opened the door, Kate's green eyes bright and her smile warm as she greeted him. Her presence settled over Castle. Happiness radiated from Beckett, a simple joy at seeing him evident in her affectionate gaze. The thought stunned him into silence as he took in her appearance.

Her caramel hair was pulled back in a messy bun. He loved when she didn't wear makeup, loved seeing the natural side to her. Her dark blue tank top showed off her toned muscles in her arms and abs. Castle's eyes dropped to the yoga pants she wore, his moan stuck in his throat as he admired the long length of her legs. Her feet were bare, Beckett pressing up on her painted pink toes. It surprised him, expecting a deep red or no color at all. Eyes rising to find hers, Beckett smirked at him as she understood his thoughts. Castle shrugged, finally finding his voice as he leaned against the door jamb, the space between them still too much.

"I'm…I'm really glad you called."  
"Me too."

She opened the door further, granting him access to her apartment and her life. He stepped cautiously over the threshold, his hands instinctively searching for her waist as he kept his eyes on her. Beckett moved into him as she shut the door behind him, sliding her hands around Castle's neck and burying her face in his chest. He pulled her into him, Beckett's body molding against his instinctively. Kate shivered in his arms as he traced his fingers up and down her spine, prompting her to lean back and whisper against the base of his throat and she pressed a tender kiss to the exposed skin.

"I made coffee."

Hand finding his, Beckett tugged him through her apartment. Castle's eyes took in her eclectic taste, Beckett always keeping him on his toes. Her guitar was leaning against her couch. Books littered the kitchen counters, some brand new while others were obviously well read. He grinned smugly as he saw a dog eared copy of Heat Wave on the island, next to her travel mug.

"So…want to tell me again how you're not a Richard Castle fan?"

Kate turned quickly, red creeping up her neck and flushing her cheeks as he picked up the paperback version of his novel. Beckett pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, turning the flesh white with her pressure, gaze shifting from his cocky grin to the fictional version of their story. Not giving her a chance to come up with an excuse, Castle closed the distance between them and whispered against her hair as he pulled her close, breathing her in.

"No denying it now, Beckett. You're a Richard Castle freak."  
"Says that man who once read me snippets from his own book to help solve a murder."

She tipped her chin, brushing her lips along his jaw. Castle fisted his fingers in her cotton shirt, her name tumbling from him as desire burned within him. She chuckled slightly before moving out of his embrace momentarily; Beckett poured him a cup of the steaming liquid and grinned up at him as he accepted the hot mug. She shrugged shyly before admitting, holding his questioning gaze with her own confident one.

"I know it's the middle of the night but coffee's always been…"

Castle nodded his understanding, fingers of his free hand skimming across the top of her pants along her toned abs as he set the coffee down on the counter. Greedy fingers pressed into her waist, pulling her flush against him. She sighed happily against Castle's chest, contentment settling over them. Castle dropped his lips to the shell of her ear, finish her sentence.

"Coffee's always been our thing."

Understanding flitted over Kate's face as he picked the mug back up and took a sip, a warm smile spreading over his face as he tasted a hint of cinnamon. Years of bringing her coffee, the simple gesture of friendship quickly growing into a subtle gesture of affection, flitted through his mind as he let the mug warm his hands. The few times he hadn't brought the drink stung now as he stared down into the dark liquid that settled in the mug on the counter.

"Did I ever tell you how much I hated Demming bringing you coffee? The barista was confused when I only got one after a year of getting two."

Hurt flashed over her beautiful features as she toyed with the collar of his shirt, memories from that difficult summer quieting them both. The summer with Gina had been empty, filled with snippy comments and the occasional bouts of hot sex. Still, Castle had spent countless hours that summer writing about Nikki Heat wishing Beckett had been the one in the Hamptons inspiring him (he only admitted that to himself, hating that he felt like Gina was just a cover for his true feelings.) Castle held onto the painful image of her kissing Demming in the precinct, hoping his mangled heart would let go of his feelings for her along the way, as he wrote her love letters through Nikki, page after page. Her words caught him off guard as he trailed her fingers over his bicep, drawing his gaze back down to Kate and the past they needed to work through.

"Did I ever tell you I wanted you to bring me coffee, and that's when I realized I wanted to say yes to go to the Hamptons with you that summer? That I was going to?"

Her words, though spoken with no malice, sliced through him. Castle jerked back to meet her eyes as he stammered, drawing inconsequential patterns on the small of back as he thought of her anger when they had seen each other again.

"I knew you were mad at me, but I thought you…and we weren't going to be go…"

Beckett's finger over his lips quieted him. He stared at her in awe as she toyed with the button on his dress shirt, her voice carrying in the silence.

"We don't talk about things. You push me to open up, and I tend to shut down. I live my life by showing, not telling. You're a wordsmith. Sometimes I wonder what…how on earth this supposed to work."

Castle opened his mouth to argue, fighting through the dread that threatened to overtake him. He fought the urge to say the words he spent all summer repeating, praying to get to say them to Kate, with her alive and well.

"Kate, I never meant…"  
"I know. I just needed you to know I've wanted this-wanted us, for a while now. Even last year with…"

Hurt flashed in Kate's eyes as she trailed off, the name not needed. He ignored the stab of jealousy that raced through him as she struggled to find her words. After a deep breath Kate finally continued, cupping his cheek and brushing her thumb over the stubble on his jaw as she spoke.

"I was hiding from the truth. And I don't want to hide anymore. I've known for so long that I wanted to be with you, Rick. And I'm sorry it took almost losing you for me to admit it."

Sliding her hands around his neck, Beckett pressed up on her toes and drew his head down to her. Her kiss was gentle, knowing. The bitter bite of coffee still lingered on her lips as she nipped at his bottom lip, tugging it between her teeth. He pressed into her, pinning her body between the cool granite of the counter and his body.

He deepened the kiss, his tongue seeking whatever she was willing to give. She arched into him, instinct ruling the detective's movements. Keeping the space nonexistent between them, wanting to keep the past from separating them as well, Castle let himself get lost in her.

The feel of her fingers pressing into his neck, holding him to her. She liked to tease, pulling away slightly to let their breaths mingle before diving back in, her tongue effortlessly sliding between his parted lips. Her hips canted into his, sweet friction against his jeans that was close to unbearable. He craved the breathy moans Kate couldn't hold back as he nipped at the pulse he saw jumping below her pale skin.

She tugged his lips back to hers, strong hands framing his face to capture his attention. A happiness Castle was trying to get used to seeing in Beckett shone from her beautiful eyes, white teeth gleaming as her smile blossomed over her face.

Minutes passed or maybe hours, Castle didn't know or care. He was too wrapped up in having Kate in his arms to think about the world. Too immersed in the taste of her. Every feeling he spent months fighting roared within him as Beckett's fingers threaded through his hair, nails scraping his scalp lovingly. Tongues dueled for dominance as Castle captured her lips in a searing kiss. The words escaped before he could hold them back, the nearness of her, the flavor of her, the _desire _for her pulling the words from the depths of his soul.

"I love you, Kate."

Castle stilled in her arms as shock tore through him, closing his eyes tightly as his own words echoed around them. He hadn't meant to say them out loud, was too afraid of scaring her off. Castle groaned softly with frustration as she pulled back slightly, Beckett's kiss swollen lips parting with surprise. He held to her tightly as he nuzzled her hair, words suddenly failing him as Castle struggled for a way to take back the declaration of his feelings.

"I uh…I mean…I'm sorry I didn't mean to just…"

Staring at her, the unspoken truth of Kate's feelings shining in her beautiful hazel eyes, agonizing images from a sunny May afternoon haunted him. He pictured her lying on the grass, her blood staining his hands. The tear that trickled from her eye as she stared up at him, gurgling for breath as the bullet tore through her, still pierced his heart. Castle shook his head and implored her to understand as he spoke.

"No, I'm not sorry. I love you, Kate. I've been in love with you for so long. And I'm tired of trying to pretend that I don't. I'm tired of not saying the words to you. I want to tell you every day what you mean to me. That you're more than a partner to me. Kate, I love you, and I just need to you know that no matter what-"

"Rick."

The syllable of his name thudded in his ears along with his rampant heartbeat as Kate pressed up on her toes, a gentle kiss calming him. The air changed in that moment, tension suddenly palpable in the small kitchen. She finally admitted, her breath hitching with fear.

"I remember."

Her words stilled the chaos of his overwhelming thoughts. A deep breath from her was the only sound in her apartment, Castle's lungs holding air he was afraid to use as he tried to process her sudden declaration.

"You…remember…?"

She had the decency to look away as he wrestled with his feelings of her deception, the truth knocking the breath from him. Her fingers pressed into his arms, biting into the tender skin to keep him grounded to her. He let the twinge of pain keep him focused on her now, rather than the past four months of their lives. He finally spoke the only question he could conjure as he stared down at her, hurtful tears prickling his eyes.

"Why, Kate?"

Beckett tried to move them towards the living room, intent to explain evident on her face. Castle's feet disobeyed his mind's order to follow as he stood rooted to the spot as the truth settled over them. She stayed quiet as he tried to process her lies. Unable to stand still any longer, Castle shook his head and stepped out of her tender embrace. He forced himself to ignore the flicker of hurt that passed over her features, almost welcomed the quiet fury in his voice as he hurled the painful questions at Beckett. Righteous anger pounding through his veins like blood, narrowing his focus to this sole moment in time.

"You remember being shot? You remember me begging you to stay with me? You remember me saying I love you, over and over again? And you…and we're...I can't believe you've been lying to me! You…died, Kate. I watched you die. I thought I had lost you. And then I did lose you, for three months. You stayed away, you didn't call. And then you come back and talk about your walls and how you want to be more, the whole time lying to me!"

He saw the tear slip down her cheek as Kate took his verbal blows in complete acceptance. He softened considerably at her tears, biting back his own grief at her lies. Kate took a trembling breath and hung her arms down loosely by her sides, all hint of defense gone even as his angry words filled the space between them.

"You're right. About everything. I was dying, Castle. In your arms. And I didn't know how to deal with that. I had been chasing my mother's murder so long that I was afraid to find out who I was without it. I didn't know how to walk away from that. And you were too much a part of that day right then. You saw everything, heard everything, felt everything. For God's sake Castle, you had my _blood_ on your hands. I didn't know how to just come back from the horror. I didn't know how to just accept that you loved me, that we could get past it. I needed to be okay on my own. You deserve that part of me, Castle. That part that will always be a little closed off. I didn't want to take any short cuts, I just wanted to do everything I could to be that version for you. And I know that a part of me will always been closed off until I…"

She gripped his forearm hard, eyes seeking his out. Castle held his breath as she paused, making sure she had Castle's full attention before continuing. Her nails dug into the taut muscle of his arm, eyes pleading with him. He let her words wash over him, heal his fractured heart. She spoke openly, knowing he needed more.

"I didn't think I would be able to give you that part of me until _we_ solved my mother's murder. But I know that's not true now. I know that I need _you_ to help get past it. To see that I can be more than her murder. To have someone so kind and good in this world balance out the bad we see every day. I know I wouldn't survive losing you, Castle. I know that I was wrong, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Castle. I'm so sorry."

She moved into him, lips ghosting over his exposed throat. He moaned softly as she nipped at his Adam's apple, his throat bobbing with emotion he tried to swallow. Needing to take Kate at her word that they could move forward together, her name fell from him in sweet relief.

"God, Kate, please let me show you that we can be more."  
"Show me. Show me."

His lips crashed over hers at her proclamation; longing for Kate finally breaking free from the dam he had built around his heart. Beckett pushed into him, humming with pleasure as he opened his mouth to her. His moan was low, flitting into her receptive mouth. Kate pushed him further into her apartment, her nimble fingers reaching for his shirt. As they stood at the threshold of her bedroom, Castle's breathing ragged with desire matching Kate's; they spoke at the same time, always in sync.

"I love you."

Their hearts beat in time to the words, both ready to dive in together.


End file.
